Chapter 131 — My Heart Is Tired

CHAPTER 131

My Heart Is Tired

“Leaving tomorrow?” Kang Fu asked.

Shi Feng put the last room charge on the counter. The innkeeper counted it, looked toward the stairs, and sighed over a bed that would stop earning.

“Tomorrow morning,” Shi Feng replied.

“Qingyun City?” Kang Fu asked.

“Yes,” Shi Feng said.

“My cousin has an inn there,” Kang Fu said quickly. “If you mention my name—”

“Will he charge more?” Shi Feng asked.

Kang Fu coughed. The introduction suddenly became less urgent.

Shi Feng left the counter and went to the travel office. Wen Shou confirmed that his token and route were in order. The official didn't demand he sit behind a royal carriage to prove loyalty to Great Liang.

“Arrive before the reporting deadline,” Wen Shou said. “The three places are yours to defend, not ours to replace at the last moment.”

“I'll be there,” Shi Feng replied.

“And keep your token,” Wen Shou added.

Shi Feng touched it through the cloth at his waist. That much was simple. Qualification belonged to him because he won it. The next tournament would ask him to win again.

He looked forward to something that clear.

Outside, the capital was already preparing to cheer the departing candidates. A man painted Sima Yu's name on a hanging board. Another argued that Ling Qingzhu's name should be higher because more people came to look at her.

Shi Feng walked past without correcting the order. His name could be written third. He still intended to get what he wanted.

Ling Qingzhu waited in the inn's small courtyard when he returned. She didn't bring another bag of spirit stones. Her hands rested empty in her lap.

He stopped beside the bench. The sight of her still made him want to sit closer than he should.

“May I?” Ling Qingzhu asked, touching the space beside her.

He sat, leaving a small distance. She noticed it and didn't move into it.

“I heard you're leaving tomorrow,” Ling Qingzhu said.

“I told the office this morning,” Shi Feng replied.

She nodded. Her family would leave separately. They could travel the same road without sharing the journey, and the thought frightened her more now that she knew what staying beside him actually meant.

“I went back to the courtyard after seeing you,” Ling Qingzhu said. “I thought I could prepare the room and ask you to return.”

He looked at her. She stared at her empty hands.

“Then I realized I was still deciding what you needed before asking,” Ling Qingzhu said.

He didn't answer immediately. The admission mattered. He could hear her trying to speak without arranging an easy ending for herself.

“So I'm asking,” Ling Qingzhu continued. “What do you want me to do?”

His chest ached. For months, he wanted something as simple as that question. Now it arrived when he didn't trust himself to answer without reaching for what already hurt him.

“Don't turn this into another task,” Shi Feng said quietly.

She looked up, alarmed.

“I didn't mean it that way,” Ling Qingzhu said.

“I know,” Shi Feng replied. “There isn't a list you can finish tonight.”

She nodded slowly. Her fingers loosened. She'd spent the morning thinking of repairs, but his feelings weren't a room she could tidy before he inspected it.

Kang Fu appeared carrying a kettle. He stopped at the courtyard door, saw Shi Feng’s expression and Ling Qingzhu’s reddened eyes above her veil, and suddenly became very careful with his steps.

“Tea,” Kang Fu said. “Already included in the room charge.”

Shi Feng nodded. The innkeeper put it down and left without offering another cousin's address.

Ling Qingzhu reached for the kettle. The handle was hot, and she drew her fingers back. Shi Feng wrapped a cloth around it before pouring.

“Wait a moment before drinking,” Shi Feng said.

She looked at him over the cup. The ordinary warning nearly broke her composure. He didn't say it to show what she'd lost. He simply remembered that she often drank before the tea cooled.

He put the kettle down and moved his own cup farther from the edge. Neither spoke for a little while. The innkeeper closed the courtyard door behind him, leaving only the ordinary sounds from the front hall. For once, nobody tried to fill the silence with a useful arrangement.

She held the warm clay between her hands. She wanted to use the moment as proof that everything could return to normal. Then she looked at the distance he left beside her and stopped herself.

A remembered habit wasn't a promise. His care didn't become hers to claim just because it survived the argument.

She drank when the tea cooled. It was cheap tea, weaker than the kind they kept at home. She didn't complain about it.

“I miss you,” Ling Qingzhu said.

The words came without an excuse. He felt them more sharply because of that.

“Not only the cooking,” Ling Qingzhu added. “Not the medicines or the things you did. I keep wanting to tell you something and remembering you aren't there.”

He looked toward the courtyard wall. She kept speaking, afraid that if she stopped she would return to the safer words that ruined everything.

“I bought the purse string because I wanted you to keep something I chose,” Ling Qingzhu said. “I didn't think about any agreement when I gave it to you.”

He touched the purse beneath his robe before he could stop himself. She saw the movement, and her eyes filled.

“You kept it,” Ling Qingzhu whispered.

“Yes,” Shi Feng replied.

There was no reason to lie. He didn't throw away every reminder of her to prove that leaving was real.

“I should've understood you could want the same thing,” Ling Qingzhu said. “That when you remembered what I liked, it wasn't something I bought.”

He drew a slow breath. She understood more than yesterday. He couldn't deny it just to make remaining hurt easier.

“You hear it now,” Shi Feng said.

“Too late?” Ling Qingzhu asked.

He didn't know how to answer that. Saying yes would be simpler than the truth. Saying no would give her a promise he couldn't keep.

“I don't know,” Shi Feng replied.

She looked down. A tear fell onto her hand, and she wiped it away before asking him to do it for her.

“I'm not asking you to pretend,” Ling Qingzhu said. “I know paying the debt doesn't settle this.”

He believed her. That hurt too. If she remained blind and cruel, leaving would let him be angry. Instead she was trying, and he still couldn't find the ease he once felt beside her.

Shi Feng thought, I still want her. Wanting isn't the same as being able to trust the next kindness.

He remembered her saying she'd pay more. The memory came between her hand and his before either moved.

“I can't return as if nothing happened,” Shi Feng said.

“Then don't,” Ling Qingzhu replied quickly. “Let it be different. Let me learn.”

Her urgency made him look at her again. She was proud, talented, and used to deciding her own path. Asking like this cost her something. He didn't enjoy seeing the cost.

“You can learn without me living on that floor,” Shi Feng said.

She lowered her head. He stood before the wish to comfort her made him promise what he couldn't honestly give.

She rose too. Her fingers caught his sleeve, very lightly, then released it when he looked down.

“Stay a little longer,” Ling Qingzhu said. “Please. Give me another chance.”

He looked at the woman he loved. He wanted the home she was asking him to return to. He couldn't bear another evening of wondering which part of himself she thought she'd paid for.

“My heart is tired,” Shi Feng said.

Ling Qingzhu's hand fell to her side. He went inside without adding anything else.